Posts Tagged ‘smia oots’

Anarchy Condos Under Seige in Toronto

By Smia Oots • Jun 28th, 2010 • Category: Latest Brutality

By Smia Oots, THE HOLY CITY OF TORONTO – Anarchists dressed in eye-numbing colored jumpsuits, bathing trunks and business attire hurled themselves against each other and their own underground condo, Toronto’s fashionable Queen’s Quay residence, The Anarchy Condos At No Fixed Address



Clones Ruffle Identical Twins’ Feathers

By Smia Oots • Feb 13th, 2010 • Category: Latest Brutality

By Smia Oots, HOLLYWOOD – As more and more clones move into the neighborhood and take jobs belonging to identical twins a growing echo of whining is spirally out of control in online chat rooms and some of the worst-kept public rest rooms in the city.

“I don’t like clones, ok?” ejaculated Uger Goolens, 16, a hedge fund manager at Goldman Sachs. His identical twin, Lawrence Goolens, 56, nodded in agreement. “They ruffle my feathers,” Uger went on.



US to Declassify more Cute Pet Stories

By Smia Oots • Jan 15th, 2010 • Category: Featured Brutality

By Smia Oots, ARLINGTON – US President Barack Obama, fullfilling his campaign promise of more openness in government, ordered this morning that 16 more cute pet stories be released to the public.

The soon-to-be-released 16 cute pet stories brings the total of cute pet stories released to public view by Obama to 17. On his first day as president he released “Topps: the Story of the Cutest Dog with Whiskers”. The 180 word story featured a photo of Topps, which spread over Internet chat rooms faster dwarfing everyone’s attention for weeks.



Irony Apparel a Smash Hit in Williamsburg

By Smia Oots • Sep 24th, 2009 • Category: Latest Brutality

By Smia Oots, Brooklyn, WILLIAMSBURG – Four-eyed sneering running-shoe-wearing tattoo-show-offing white-skin-cladding Williamsburg hipsters have bitten onto to something and they just can’t let go!

Irony apparel is a smash hit in Williamsburg.



Man Who Thinks He’s Funny, Isn’t

By Smia Oots • Aug 9th, 2009 • Category: Latest Brutality

By Smia Oots, TORONTO – As sub zero temps blast through this sub-standard city of 17,000 tongues were wagging with a new-found consensus that seemed poised to derail the confidence of at least one Greater Toronto man.

A man, believing himself to be be funny for years, has been clinically proven to be unfunny.



Apple & Rubix Unveil iPube

By Smia Oots • Jun 16th, 2009 • Category: Latest Brutality

By Smia Oots, BRISBANE – Choosing balmy Brisbane as the setting to showcase their first joint venture, former arch rivals Apple Computer and Rubix blew everyone’s jets when they unveiled what industry insiders are saying is revving up to be the hit of the summer.

What is it?

Meet – the iPube.



Animals to Get Own Internet by 2010

By Smia Oots • Apr 2nd, 2009 • Category: Highlighted Brutality

By Smia Oots, LONDON – As members from the G-20 gathered up their satchels and moved their drinks carefully away from table edges and other popular spill zones British Prime Minister Gordon Brown shock-rocked fans with new that animals will get their own Internet by 2010.

“Animals will get their own Internet by 2010,” he said.