the brutal times

By DJ Salinger, LAS VEGAS – Finally, after sweating through the long wait of three months since the last Beatles album was released we can get our rocks off with the just-released 150 album box set which contains all of the lads’ 180981 songs (minus the baggage of those John Lennon and George Harrison tracks which dogged down much of the earlier compilation best boxes).

“Yeah, we finally figured out what was missing with the earlier 569808 best of Beatles releases,” said long-time Beatles producer and confidante George Martin, from his villa in sunny Las Vegas, Sunday, “those fucking Harrison and Lennon songs,”

By Dessy Osmonde, Special to The Brutal Times, INDIANA – I can’t wait for winter! Why? Well I can’t wait to freeze my fucking ass off next to the fire. Even with a good solid pair of winter boots pulled right up to my next nothing stops the cold, right? Viva la Mother Nature! Yes, you can spend spend spend but nothing stops that cold from seeping in and gripping your balls and bones in an icy freezing cold handshake! Yeah, winter’s comin’ and the only way to warm up for it is to open the icebox and sleep with your feet stuck inside it night after night after night.

By Yana, (Special to The Brutal Times) SANTA MONICA – I don’t know about you, but in my social circle all the huffing and puffing around Oprah Winfrey’s boobs has consumed most of my winter holiday. People just could not – I mean could not leave Oprah’s boobs alone.

With investors and investettes losing their tops this quarter the shocking revelation of a new slew of Fonzi schemes has shock-rocked this seasonally sleepy city into a frenzy of fist-waving and foul-mouthed frustration.

By Styles Cradgerock, DETROIT – Just in time for Christmas, GM has unveiled its most fabulous machine yet – the sex-drive car! The sleek family auto known as the GM Phero, is 100% powered on the pheronome, which in case you don’t know is a musky smelling invisible gas that when sniffed by people drives [...]

By Ohashi Jozu, with Business Jesus, TOKYO – The world’s second largest economy may well be entering an exciting recession, as mentioned by CNN and other news junkies, but perhaps due to the simultaneous rise in the value of the yen the message on the floor of the Nikkei stock exchange is still buy buy buy!

After more than a month of unexplained absence from the Internet machine, global hipster favorite the brutal times.com has scored a big win this week as Santa signed an exclusive 7-year contract to write for the site.