Monthly Archives: April 2009

A Brutal Guide to Shimokitazawa 2: Lunching

April 21, 2009

By Grande Chef Otto, Tokyo, SHIMOKITAZAWA – I know I know, you’re all shaking your collective headbanging heads wondering why I’d go and do such a crazy thing.

Eat out in Shimokitazawa.

Well I was hungry.

Posted in Grande Chef Otto, Japan | Tagged canon cameras, enemas, goldman sachs, Grande Chef Otto, hakone, hot spring, italian food, Japan, japanese food, japanese italian food, karate kid, shimokitazawa, tapas tapas, the brutal times, tokyo, toto toilet | 4 Comments

I Love Slurping Fondue from my Crock Pot

April 20, 2009

Special to The Brutal Times, By Bradley Meyer – I was hating every single moment of my life until I found my fondue crock pot on the street in front of my neighbor’s house.

That crock pot, once cleaned off and packed with thick translucent fondue goo has knocked me on my keister and wrapped its dripping hot salty tentacles around my mind.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged crock pot, fine cuisine, fondue, insane meals, ipod touch, Ordinary People, quick meals, the brutal times | 2 Comments

Smorgasborg: The Gastronomic Cyborg

April 18, 2009

By Grande Chef Otto, TOKYO – Japan has shown China it is superior once again with Japanese technology giant BB FunCorp’s unveiling of Smorgasborg, the Gastronomic Cyborg yesterday at Denny’s.

Many weaklings in the audience vomited profusely when the saw the dishes Smorgas, had made.

Posted in Exclusive!, Japan, Stories For Bottoms | Tagged bb funcorp, cooking, cyborgs, dennys, Grande Chef Otto, Japan, japanese food, japanese robots, robots, smorgasborg | 1 Comment

Rush’s 2112 Estates Mostly Unsold

April 16, 2009

By DJ Salinger, TORONTO – Coveted Rush 2112 Estates mostly lie empty as people in this super funky fried chicken hipster town are rushing headlong instead towards more affordable housing.

“I really wanted a Rush condo,” said Basil Head, 43 “but I’m rushing headlong instead towards more affordable housing.”

But where, dude?

“In my mother’s basement – it’s got laundry.”

Posted in Exclusive!, Thinking Man's Rock | Tagged 2112, affordable housing, condos, dj salinger, economic crisis, hipsters, housing bubble, irony, markham, mcdonald's, my mother's basement, prog rock, real estate, record store clerks, rush, shopper's drug mart, stereomoms, the brutal times, Thinking Man's Rock, toronto real estate | 2 Comments

Coping with Change

April 7, 2009

By Liz Traileboum, Special to The Brutal Times – I’m a stay at home mom, trying to balance five jobs, one hundred and sixteen kids and seven thousand jobs I do from the comfort of my own kitchen. I guess you could say I’m stuck juggling about eleven million different routines.

Boy, some days I get so pooped!

Yeah, and then the anger comes. From coping with change.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged change, changes, coping, coping with change, light sweet crude, Ordinary People, star trek, stay at home mom, stephen king, the brutal times, trekkies | 2 Comments

Great Depression Gross-out Stories:I Ate Fred

Special to The Brutal Times, By James Muchen,114 – In the house I grew up in we weren’t nothin’ but us kids, pa & ma.

Ma wan’nt home much a the time, and pa used tuh beat us every chance he get.

Then came the Depression an’ things really started tuh get bad.

Posted in Highlighted Brutality | Tagged depression stories, global financial crisis, great depression stories, old folks, the brutal times | 1 Comment

North Korea Launches Naughty Rocket

April 5, 2009

By Barry Hussein, PYONGYANG – North Korea got almost no attention from anyone under 5o today when it behaved “very naughtily” and launched an enormous throbbing Taepodong missile rocket thingy into outer space.

“I don’t care about the rocket – it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a juniour college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.

Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.

Posted in Presidential Daily Brief | Tagged Ban Ki-moon, barack obama, barry hussein, beer, kim jong-il, missile, naughty, north korea, north korea fires missile at japan, north korea missile, Presidential Daily Brief, rocket, singles scene, the brutal times | 1 Comment

Books are so Boring

April 4, 2009

Special to the Brutal Times, By Tamara – Books are so boring. Don’t get me wrong – I love books. I grew up around books all my life.

But every time I look at a book it just puts me to sleep.

Posted in Ordinary People | Tagged books, boring, breakfast recipes, cheesegrater, fluffer, gunman, harry potter, krazy glue, losers, microwave, Ordinary People, the brutal times, touching gesture | Leave a comment

Animals to Get Own Internet by 2010

April 2, 2009

By Smia Oots, LONDON – As members from the G-20 gathered up their satchels and moved their drinks carefully away from table edges and other popular spill zones British Prime Minister Gordon Brown shock-rocked fans with new that animals will get their own Internet by 2010.

“Animals will get their own Internet by 2010,” he said.

Posted in Disco Island | Tagged 2010, animals, G-20, gadgets, gordon brown, ipod, ipod touch, smia oots, technology, the brutal times, the Internet | Leave a comment