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Monthly Archives: January 2009
White Guy ‘Likes Rap Music’
By DJ Salinger, DES MOINES – Most stories begin with a call in the night. After snacking I’m usually bloated and angry and can just barely summon the will to drag myself into my hammock so it goes without saying that I don’t like to be woken. But this time turned out to be different.
“What now?,” I demanded as I picked up the phone.
My editor at The Brutal Times, El Toro came on the line.
“I know a guy, a white guy,” he said. “He says he likes rap music.”
Posted in Hollywood Pap, Japan
Tagged Des Moines, dj salinger, donut shoppeThe Gap, heroin, hip hop dnace, Japan, Krispy Kreme, rap music, the brutal times, Thinking Man's Rock, white guy, white people
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Cock Blocker Leaves Canada Open for Anarchy
By Marshall Stack, TORONTO – As winter whips its icy way through this Eastern Canadian business capital the only thing that can match the plummeting market descent are the near -100 degree C plummeting temps. And the only place to warm your balls may be the nearest local pub.
But wait. Someone is knocking at the door. Could it be – anarchy?
Terrorists Retract Threat: Madonna is Cool
By Reiner Jones, HOLLYWOOD – Terrorists issued a formal apology to Madonna earlier today, citing the incident as a misunderstanding. “These things sometimes get taken out of context,” reported an extremist fringe militia member who prefers not to be named. “It was very busy in the Madonna chat room that day, and an overzealous fan, not fanatic, made some comments which were somehow misconstrued.”
Posted in Thinking Man's Rock
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I Forgot my Password!
Posted in Ask Daemon Mailer, Featured Brutality
Tagged Ask Daemon Mailer, daemon mailer, mailer daemon, password, the brutal times, yahoo
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Weary Travellers Take Comfort in Moscow’s Allure
By Sarah Kitt, Special to The Brutal Times, MOSCOW – What was I thinking? Oh my fucking godddd! This country, this city if you can call it that, and I would not, is a complete and utter wasteland.
Traveling to Russia had been my dream ever since I read Beyond Good & Evil by Karl Marx in college. The trick ending blew my mind! I was instantly hooked on all things Russian after I finished page 6,897 and put the book into my apartment incinerator.
Posted in Backpackers, Latest Brutality
Tagged allure, Backpackers, bathroom, beyond good and evil, cardboard box, cirque du soliel, donuts, folk crafts, karl marx, kidnapping, kinko's kopies, moscow, olympics, photocopies, quebec, russia, tourist, traveling, vladimir putin, weary travellers, winter comfort
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Man Pays Twice For Same Meal
By Smia Oots (with InfoSandwich News Services) SAN FRANCISCO – Reports are everywhere on the Web this morning speculating that a Bay area man has paid twice for the same meal.
The man who is as yet unidentified bears little or some resemblance to reclusive hip hop singing sensation Eminem.
Posted in Featured Brutality, Hollywood Pap
Tagged big dick, eminem, facebook, family budget, food, global economic crisis.depression 2.0, global financial crisis, hip hop, how not to save on meals, ipd touch, ipod touch, meals, philosophy, san francisco, saving, smia oots, the brutal times, young crowd, youtube
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U2 Popular in Irish Pub
By DJ Salinger, BROOKLYN – It’s a Tuesday night and as usual the dance floor is cluttered with couples each engaged in various stages of groping as prescribed in that ancient mystical text, the Kama Sutra.