Latest Brutality
New Fear for Michael:Rock n’ Roll Heaven is ‘Full’
By DJ Salinger, LOS ANGELES - Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix, The Notorious B.I.G., Cindi Lauper - all were stars trying to make it in the City of Angels who died trying before they ever got an honest break.
And now added to the list, former Jackson 5 frontman, singing sensation Michael Jackson.
{More»}Presidential Daily Brief
Neck & Penis Close to Bush, Report Says»By Barry Hussein, LOS ANGELES - Industry fashion plate Neck & Penis have embraced Bush in areas where the majority of others have shied away, according to a new report published by prestigious Caribbean think-tank MyGoodies.
North Korea Launches Naughty Rocket»
By Barry Hussein, PYONGYANG - North Korea got almost no attention from anyone under 5o today when it behaved “very naughtily” and launched an enormous throbbing Taepodong missile rocket thingy into outer space.
“I don’t care about the rocket - it’s boring,” said Koari Mitsui, 21, a juniour college student at Tokyo’s prestigious International School of Beans & Nail Arts.
Americans didn’t know where North Korea was.
Thinking Man's Rock
Mythical Thom Yorke Comedy Album Found»By DJ Salinger, LONDON - Brits cheered news this morning that the holy grail of Radiohead fans - a lost Thom Yorke stand up comedy triple album, had been found under a box of Kleenex in a Los Angeles record producer’s gated estate.
Canaduh
Dust Mite Circus Linked to Migraines»
By The Serge, MONTREAL - Canada’s famed dust mite circus, Le Cirque du Dust Mite, has suffered a crushing blow today as a landmark Icelandic study has found proof viewing the talented mites can be linked to intense migraine headaches in audience members.
The migraines last for up to 40 years.
Grande Chef Otto
Take Out Food is Healthier Than Home Cooked Food»By Grande Chef Otto, Paris, THE LOUVRE - Bob Lomax lifts weights four times a day. He wakes at 4:31 am, rinses his balls in an imported basin from Bahrain, and meditates in Japanese for nine minutes while his second “wife” Vickers prepares a delicate vitamin powerhouse pureed and mulched (basically the same thing I know) in an eleven hundred dollar pureeing mulching machine from Sicily.
Bob has had seventy four heart attacks.
Highlighted Brutality
Who Declares Flu a Pandemic»By DJ Salinger, NEW YORK CITY - Roger Waters and Pete Townshend of The Who declared swine flu “a pandemic” today at an historic concert/lecture given by the two towering talents at New York’s fantastic United Nations.
Anonymous Found Dead»By The Serge, PARIS - This famous French city is being shock-rocked this morning as town criers shriek the news that the world’s most famous recluse has died.
Ordinary People
I Left my Iron On»By Louise, Special to The Brutal Times, WYOMING - I left my iron on. I left it plugged in after ironing my husband Ray’s shirts and pants last night. Now I’m worried it’s caught on fire and that the flames have spread to the curtains.
Japan
Roppongi is a ‘Sausagefest’ Declares Tokyo Mayor»By Ohashi Jozu, Roppongi, TOKYO - As you know many foreigners had come to Tokyo. The purpose of this travel is well-known - it is to sex Japanese female. Every year so many foreign man came to Tokyo with all-night backpack seeking to enjoy such activity.
But no more.
Schadenfreude
Shocker: You Can See a Girl’s Ass with Low Rider Jeans»By Smia Oots, NEW YORK CITY - Warning: Portions of this article are unfit for those adverse to being shock-rocked. Make sure you’re sitting down before continuing further.
Ready?
Millions of pairs of popular low rider jeans like the type Britney Spears wears are being recalled due to the shocking revelation that the jeans reveal large portions of the wearer’s ass to the viewing public.
