Latest Brutality
Satan to become CNN’s New Gadget Specialist
By Daemon Mailer, KEY WEST – In a classic double-cross, Satan will succeed former Black Flag vocalist Henry Rollins as CNN’s go-to gadget guy. After selling his soul to get the plush CNN jobbie, former Rollins fans Twittered Satan “so many times it really ruffled my feathers,” according to the Big Red One himself.
{More»}Presidential Daily Brief
Embassy Staff Disappointed Mysterious White Powder Not Cocaine»By Barry Hussein, TEL AVIV – Embassy staff here are reeling from the discovery that a mysterious white powder found in an envelope sent to the embasssy is not cocaine.
“We wanted to snort it so bad,” ejaculated Bismark Suffolk, 20, an immune diplomat who heard about the powder. “But they said they weren’t sure it was cocaine, so we’d better not,” he went on.
Jan Brewer is Dehydrated»By Styles Cradegerock, WASHINGTON – U.S. President, the American Barack Obama, sat down with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer recently and noticed alarming signs of dyhydration in her face.
“Evian?” he quipped.
“She needs to stay out of the sun, get a big floppy hat and moisturize, moisturize, moisturize,” he went on.
Obama said he understood the governor’s dehydration problem as he “personally struggled with dehydration myself” as a child.
“I..didn’t..get enough water,” he went on.
Thinking Man's Rock
The Geddy Leesa “Lost, Missing or Stolen”»By DJ Salinger, THE LOUVRE – Some people are caring this morning, as the prog rock art world’s most valuable sparkly treasure, the Geddy Leesa, has been reported lost, missing or stolen by its troll minder.
Canaduh
Only 1 in 5 Serial Killers is Witty»By Smia Oots, TORONTO – Despite our steady diet of witty serial killers injested from fabulus digital video digitals (DVDs), in reality fewer than five serial killers is witty, according to a landmark report submitted to the UN by Canada’a Barack Obama, Canadian Prime Minister, Cock Blocker.
Grande Chef Otto
J.R.R Tolkien Wrote a Book about Onion Rings»By Grande Chef Otto, NEW YORK CITY – Fans of Hogwarts are squirming more than they care to admit as town criers at Denny’s say J.R.R. Tolkien wrote a book about onion rings.
“First of all, it’s not ‘Hogwarts – it’s Middle Earth,” whined Hogwarts fan Heather Bille, 50. “What’s more is the genious who created Middle Earth, J.R.R Tolkien, was also secretly a lover of fast food,” she went on, not blinking.
Highlighted Brutality
Many Misspell ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when Sexting»
By The Serge, YEMEN – Tempers flared again Saturday as further details emerged showing growing numbers of teenagers, baby-boomers and seniors are constantly mispelling ‘Yemen’ as ‘Semen’ when sexting.
“I think it’s bloody ridiculous” ejaculated Troy Underwood, 23, who is vacationing in Yemen with his mother and her pet. “When I was in school, the sensei would whip us blind if we dared engage in such foolery,” he went on, attracting a small crowd.
CNN & Yahoo Tie for Best 2009 Cute Pet Stories»By Styles Cradgerock, LOS ANGELES – As 2009 dies the horrible death it deserves all of Hollywood is saluting global media giants CNN and Yahoo for delivering the year’s most cutting-edge in-your-face cute pet stories.
In previous years – 2008, 2007 and so on, cute pet stories tended to be eclipsed by political coverage, current events, business news and so on.
But God said from now on, “Let it be otherwise”.
Ordinary People
My Co-worker is a Noisy Eater»
By Blanche Jillbaine, Special To The Brutal Times – My co-worker is a noisy eater. Did you ever have a noisy eater as a co-worker? I’ll bet you did! Even though now I’m away from my cube during winter vacation for the Baby Jesus, I’m plagued by memories, images, of the co-worker.
The co-worker (I don’t keep track of names, sorry) had sat next to me. The desk was situated aside mine. Even then it was before lunch hours, but said co-worker opened his satchel to reveal assorted verboten snacks.
Japan
New TOEIC Test to Include Pillow Talk»
By Ohashi Jozu, TOKYO – As you know many foreign man has come to Japan the purpose of which is to sex Japanese woman. At English conversational school and so on such seduction has become aplenty. Inside cube area such foreigners “teach” English to potential Japanese mate. One of such tests of conversational English is the many-feared TOEIC (Teach English I Can’t Take) test of English.
The new TOEIC test will include pillow talk.
Schadenfreude
Obama Taps Bush for ‘War on Nature’»
By Styles Cradgerock, WASHINGTON – Coming hot on the heels of his Nobel Peace Prize win, US president Barack Obama has spiced up the biggest humanitarian tragedy thus far in 2010 by tapping his former political rival George W. Bush to head the rescue effort in Haiti, along with former president Bill Clinton.
What what what?!?
